Howdy to anyone who remembers me. I know I haven't updated anything in several months, but i'm still here. And yes, i'm still pregnant. Six months along, due the end of September. I have been mostly purge free too, which is amazing. I do miss b/p-ing, and restricting, and I would be lying if I said I have not been thinking about what I can do after the baby is born. I am looking forward to being able to b/p whenever and however much I want. I know, I disgust myself sometimes. I also found out that I am having a boy, which makes me a little relieved. If I had a girl I would be so terrified that she would pick up on my behaviors and my attitude towards my body. I'm not saying that it's impossible for a boy not to become eating disordered, but it is less likely. I hope that when he is born he becomes the center of my world, and I can focus on something positive and not just on trying to hurt myself. What if I am not capable of loving my child? What if I don't bond with him? Crazy thoughts, but thats how I feel.
Enough ramblings for now...I don't want to get sad.

Anyway, hi to anybody that rememebers me!!!

I hate insomnia. I think I slept for about 2 hours and now I can't fall back to sleep. It sucks because I know that tomorrow will be miserable. I get really cranky when I don't get enough sleep. Bitch, moan, complain. Fuuucckkk.

I just had one of the best weeks I have had in a long time. My husband and I went to Florida for a kind of last minute vacation, and we had such a great time together. I felt like I was able to forget about some of the things that had been so overwhelming in my life and just be happy. I really tried hard to not think about food or puking or fat and for the most part I think I was successful. It wasn't perfect, but the majority of the time I tried to be aware of the situation that I was in...kinda sounds corny, but it really was something like trying to "stay in the moment". It was so nice to feel "normal" and not have all of these crazy thoughts in my head all of the time. Now that i'm home some of the old feelings are creeping back in and that little voice inside me is getting louder and louder. How could I have let myself go and have such a good time??? Aaarrgghh, this was supposed to be a happy post, so i'll just leave it by saying what a good time it was and how much fun my husband and I had together.

Hello to everyone...I just wanted to apologize for the pictures taking up all that space in my journal. I did not know that my pictures would actually post in my journal. If something posts in my journel, does that mean it posts in all of my friends journals also? This is all fairly new to me, so I apologize again. Eventually I will work my way around here and figure this all out...maybe someday soon.

On the beach with my baby Sputnik

My BFF Joy and I milking a cow


At a retirement with Dave




Me at the Biergarten


Riding a horse in KY


Dave and I at Cinderella's Castle


Dave and I with Mickey


Me, Sandy, and Joy at Sandy's baby shower


Muddy Sputnik and Me


New Year's Eve 2005


Pruitt and I in a clam


Deanna and I on Everest


Dave and I at a Bug's Life


Lazy ass Gorillas

 Well, Thanksgiving went well with the in-laws.  I am happy that I think I got pretty good in-laws.  They have their issues now, but for the most part I actually enjoy being around them.  I have been gaining weight like it is my full time job.  I think I put on 10 lbs in a little over a week.  I'm starting to get that panicky feeling, so I know the next step is going to be to restrict again.  It also looks like I do not have to go to that IP program in Florida.  I am meeting with a new psychiatrist who works with my DBT therapist, so I am going to try outpatient first.  I am feeling pretty optomistic about this so hopefully it will work out.  My husband and I are getting along much better.  We have even planned  a vacation to Florida for week after next.  Just the 2 of us.  I'm really excited because it's the first vacation that just the 2 of us have taken in years.  I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving and now we're off to Christmas!!!!!!

Want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!  I'm leaving tommorrow to visit my in-laws for a week.  So unfortunatly, no internet for me until I get home.  Everybody try and have a good week, ya'll are in my thoughts:) 

 Well after my crappy doctor's appointment yesterday, I am still feeling pissed off.  I haven't made another appointment yet, but eventually I will because he's like my dealer.  I gotta get my prozac and ambien.  God, i feel like a junkie.  I feel like things are quickly getting out of control.  I am purging everything I eat.  Tonight I noticed that my throat was bleeding.  At least I think it's my throat...there was blood in the toilet and on the back of my hand (i know..details, sorry).  I am feeling better now that I quit that awful job.  YAY!!!!!! I get to leave the house again and be social like everybody else!!!!  Well, i think the ambien is kicking in so i'll write more tomorrow.

 What a terrible night.  Went out to the bar with the husband to watch football.....(i almost typed foodball...hehehehe).  I think I have purged three or four times.  What for???? Idk, it makes me feel better?? or how about it makes me feel anything??  i am just going to keep getting drunk, at least that way, I have a reason to purge............

 I am so ridiculous.  I have been wearing the same jammies for 2 days straight now because.......they make me feel sort of thin.  It's not like I am going to take them off and be fat all of a sudden but wtf??? As I said before, I am so ridiculous.  I had a pretty terrible weekend.  I mean Sat. I was home all day by myself so of course I ate, and ate, and ate, and then purged and purged and purged.  Sat. night I went out and saw one of my friends who I am not supposed to see anymore, (after a long history of alcohol, drugs and not coming home).  I had a good time, but the guilt is killing me inside.  So what do I do for the guilt?? I have been restricting and trying to avoid food to punish myself for being a liar.  I am so sick of myself, ugh I need to go take a shower.

 Well, i don't really know where to start.  Wait, yes i do, I HATE MY FUCKING JOB.  HATE, HATE HATE.  Only a week to go and then I will be free...at last.  God i have heartburn right now.  Today is going to suck if i feel like this all day.  At least when I feel like this i have no desire to b/p.  So i guess it's a hidden blessing.  I've also had the absolute worst insomnia lately.  Last night i think i fell asleep at 4:30 am or so and got up at 8:30.  so now i am tired and have heatburn.  what a mess.  man, i am bitchy today.  i think i am going to try to eat some tums or mustard or something.  no, i am actually looking for ways to not work.  i just keep saying "this is my last week" over and over again.